Why Are So Many Adult Children Cutting Ties with Their Parents? It’s Not Just a “Trend”
Understanding the quiet revolution behind no-contact and low-contact decisions, and what this means for the future of family.
Over the past few years, you may have noticed something strange in your circles or in conversations happening in various online platforms. Stories of adult children cutting off contact with their parents or radically minimising the amount of connection they have with their parents or other family members. This phenomenon, once considered unthinkable, seems be becoming increasingly common. Some label it as a “trend”. Others are calling it a “generational epidemic”. Maybe you are experiencing this for yourself, or perhaps you know someone who has done this and you’re wondering: What has happened that was so bad?
Would it surprise you to hear that this phenomenon is not based around a spike in rebellion, or a breakdown of family values, but rather, it’s about survival, healing and a profound shift in how we understand family?
The Unseen Side of Family Estrangement
Estrangement between adult children and their parents is rarely impulsive. It usually comes after years – sometimes decades – of tension, grief, and attempts to make the relationship work. For many, the final decision to go no-contact (or low-contact) with their parents doesn’t come from a place of resentment and anger but from shear exhaustion and exasperation.
If I, as a person who has walked this path, could help the world to understand the crux of what drives the phenomenon of parental estrangement it would be this:
It’s not a protest – it’s a boundary.
It’s not vengeance – it’s self-preservation
Common Reasons Adult Children Choose Estrangement
It’s easy to assume the estranged adult child is being dramatic, disrespectful or overreacting. But dig a little deeper, and you will often find that the most common reasons for estrangement are complex, significant and multi-layered. These can include:
Abuse and Neglect – physical, emotional, or sexual harm that has been repeatedly denied or minimised by the parent.
Parental Narcissism or Control – refusal by the parent to accept boundaries, adult-child independence, or alternative life choices and values.
Scapegoating in Dysfunctional Family Systems – one child is blamed for the family’s problems and is ostracised when they speak out.
Lack of Accountability or Taking Responsibility – when adult children attempt to address harm, they’re met with defensiveness and denial (the classic DARVO tactic = Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender roles).
Many adult children have spent years trying to mend the relationship before they finally made the excruciating decision to walk away.
The Estranged Parent Perspective
For many estranged parents, the decision by their child to sever ties feels like a sudden, confusing and devastating blow. Common themes from their side of this phenomenon include:
“I did my best with what I knew” – many parents raised their children with the tools and emotional models they inherited – often without recognising these were causing harm.
“I wasn’t perfect, but who is?” – There’s confusion when past parenting choices, seen as normal or culturally acceptable at the time, are now being reframed as toxic, abusive or negligent.
“I want to make things right, but they wont talk to me” – Some parents report having no opportunity for conversation, apology or repair.
“My child has been influenced by therapy, their partner or social media” – There’s a belief that adult children have been ‘brainwashed’ by modern narratives about trauma or narcissistic parents.
The pain experienced by estranged parents is very real. Their stories are often filled with bewilderment, and longing for reconnection. And yet, reconciliation remains painfully out of reach for both parents and adult children.
Why Reconciliation is So Hard
There are several key barriers that make reconciliation difficult, even when both sides desire reconnection:
Different Definitions of Harm
What one generation views as “normal parenting”, the next may experience as deeply wounding. Discipline, control, and emotional invalidation were once considered standard parenting practices. But younger generations are naming these kinds of behaviours as harmful. This mismatch in definitions can lead to denial on one side, and despair on the other.
Lack of Acknowledgement or Accountability
Estranged adult children are not typically asking for a perfect parent. But they do need acknowledgement of harm caused in the past. Many report that their parents minimise or dismiss their pain, respond defensively, or shift the blame onto them as the child. Without acknowledgement and accountability, trust cannot be rebuilt.
Power Reversals
When a child grows up, the dynamics of the relationship shift. But many parents struggle to adjust to the idea that their child is a fully autonomous adult with separate emotional needs and boundaries. What begins as tension over independence can devolve into estrangement if the parent insists on maintaining control.
The Role of Shame
For both parties, shame is often the elephant in the room. Parents may feel too ashamed to face the pain they’ve caused. Adult children may feel ashamed for needing to cut ties in order to protect themselves. Shame is the killer of curiosity and empathy and will immediately shutdown the conversations that lead to genuine repair.
Generational Differences in Emotional Language
Older generations were often taught to suppress their emotions and told to “just get on with it”. In contrast, younger generations have been taught to name their feelings, talk about trauma, and set boundaries as needed. This shift in emotional literacy between generations often creates a language barrier for talking about emotionally charged content. When one person is speaking French and the other Japanese, the conversation will not get very far.
So Why Is This Happening Now?
What we are witnessing in this is a generational reckoning. Millennials and Gen Z are the first generations to be raised with widespread access to therapy, trauma education, and language for psychological harm. They’ve grown up hearing words like narcissism, boundaries, emotional abuse and emotional neglect. And they’re using that language to reassess childhoods that were often defined by silence, shame and loyalty at all costs.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that their parents were monsters. But it does mean that adult children are no longer willing to sacrifice their own mental health to preserve appearances or ‘play happy families’.
What Happens to the Next Generation?
A shared concern across both generations (estranged parents and adult children) is how this phenomenon will impact the younger generations who are being parented under the brokenness of generational ties. Questions are often raised about what is being modelled for the younger generations regarding the importance of family values and dynamics. But here’s where the story takes a surprising turn: many who go no-contact with their parents are not walking away from family values, they are redefining them. These adult children are:
Becoming more conscious and emotionally present parents
Breaking cycles of generational trauma
Teaching their own children what safety and consent feels like in a family system
Modelling taking responsibility for your own mental health and wellbeing
In other words, they’re doing the painful work of healing now, so their children don’t have to make the same impossible decisions later in life.
This is Not About Blame – It’s About Change
Understanding estrangement cannot be simply reduced to a failure of parenting or a rejection of love. It is often the result of unmet repair – of conversations that never happened, harms that were never properly acknowledged and pain that was never fully witnessed.
If you are the parent of an estranged adult child, this may be difficult to hear. But you are not alone, and you are not beyond redemption. Many adult children do desire reconciliation. But they need more than “Let’s just draw a line in the sand and move on”. They need honesty from you. They need genuine accountability. And they need the safety to be seen and heard without being dismissed, gaslit or accused.
What Can You Do If You’re Watching From the Sidelines?
If you’re a friend, relative (perhaps a sibling), or a colleague of someone who is navigating the complexities of estrangement, your compassion matters more that you may think. Here are some tips for how to be a supportive friend:
Don’t rush to judgement – you likely don’t know the whole story.
Avoid toxic positivity – “But they’re your parents”, or “I’m sure they did their best” can feel dismissive and minimising. Instead, try saying something like, “That must have been a really difficult decision for you”.
Stay curious – ask questions, not to take sides, but to seek genuine understanding of their experiences.
Resist simplistic solutions – reconciliation is not just a phone call away. It is a complex, multi-faceted and often very painful process.
This Is Bigger Than We Realise
The rise of parental estrangement is not the collapse of the family, it is the breaking of generational silence. It’s a sign that people are no longer willing to suffer silently in the name of ‘keeping the peace’ or ‘saving face’. And while it may look like disconnection on the surface, it is often the beginning of something deeply connected, rooted in truth and grounded in authenticity.
Estrangement is not easy. The cost of estrangement is high for all involved. But for many, it is what genuine healing looks like. Let’s be people who hold space for the complexity behind these quiet, powerful decisions, and for the possibility of generational healing in our communities.